Where has the zeal gone?

After the meeting last night we came home and the little one and hubby soon feel asleep. I on the other hand seemed to have an anxious excitement about me. Something I haven't felt in years. This excitement has been building for the past couple months and growing stronger and stronger. I haven't been exactly able to pin point it until this morning. Last night I was up thinking of new ways to help my hubby enhance our family worship night. The ideas kept flooding my mind, so I ended up getting up and writing down my ideas (which I highly recommend doing, if you have trouble going to sleep).

This morning, very tired from being up so late, I begin to wonder why I was so excited. I realized exactly what it was, zeal. Our family and I have really turned a new leaf the last few months focusing on our relationship with Jehovah. We have always loved Jehovah, but now looking back for me personally I realized that after stepping down as a fulltime publisher of the goodnews I have allowed Saten to use my guilt and disappointment to hender me from doing my best.  This shame I developed for myself choked out the zeal I once had for the kingdom message. For years I have felt like I was fighting a battle to hold onto my relationship to God and perhaps I have. But in my then thinking I was thinking I was the problem, that I wasn't good enough and I wasn't doing enough. I often wondered why did Jehovah keep me around. Just thinking about that strengthened my resolve to keep pleasing him because I knew if he didn't want me he would not draw me to him.

I have always felt drawn the Jehovah and the truth about the good news. I always felt I have had a special relationship with my creator ever since I was small. I seem some of these same traits in my young son. He loves The My Book of Bible Stories and The Evolution book just like I did when I was his age. He loves the ministry as I did. I was a pioneer baby going in service with my Aunt and sitting in the backseat of her 1970's blue four door car with the fold out windows and no air conditioning, those were fun times in my youth that brought me to the realization of the bigger picture. I realized I want to serve the true God, Jehovah and wanted him to use me to help others.  I had big dreams of someday being a missionary. Funny thing, I have had many dreams come and go over the years, but one has always remained, I want to be a missionary.

Sometimes I think, I think too much. Do you ever do that? Let me explain. I remember when I was nine years old a kind sister told me that I was have to be married to be a missionary and go to Gilead school.  I was so disappointed to hear this. I had no desire to ever marry. All I ever wanted to do was focus on my dedication to Jehovah and pursue his service. I knew many married people, they had love and zeal for the truth, but had so many distractions, so I never wanted to marry. Disheartened by this blow I continued on zealously.

Back on point, recently I read in the Kingdom Ministry that a family with children went into the missionary service without going to Gilead and have been successful. What I thought was a lost dream has been restored. I can see my family in the full time service helping the anointed to fulfill their commission at Matthew 24:14: "And this good news of the kingdom will be preached in all the inhabited earth for a witness to all the nations; and then the end will come."  More importantly I now know that I am doing all I came now to serve Jehovah and I know this pleases him very much and this keep me zealous!