Veil Of Shame Lifted

I fell upon my knees,

no longer worthy of your grace.

Why do you make me feel this way?

I gave you all I had.

I did all I could,

it wasn't good enough.

I thought you had tossed me aside,

but here I am.

Why keep me?

I have failed.

You whispered to me,

but I didn't hear.

You told me,

but I was not near.

Finally I heard your screams.

Heartfelt, I listen.

It was my last chance.

There it was shame,
What?
You didn't cause it?
I had it all wrong!

Self-inflicted and evil,

used as a tool.

I wasn't to blame,

nor were you..
Played as a fool,
cunning at his trade.
Had my heart in his vice.

Should have known,
there is no tree of shame.

Trapped like a caged animal,
wounded but whole,
you released me.

Trampled and down hearted,
you caused him to leave me.

But you picked me up.

You took me under your pinions,

lifted me back up

and set me high.

This guilt was not from you.

You love me.

And I love you.

Thank you,

Jehovah.

Thank you.

Note To My Future Self...

Dear Future Self:

Never spend more then you earn. When buying anything ask myself "how will this benefit me in five years and if my circumstances change tomorrow how will I pay for it?" My hubby and I haven't bought anything on credit in about four years, yet we still pay month after month on credit card debt. We have learned the hard way that there is no benefit from getting out that charge card. Life is so much easier when you think about purchases first and if you really, really need it you either save for it or pay cash. If we can't pay for it outright, then we don't need it. Simple as that!

How to Accomplish:

1. Make a list of credit card debt listed from highest interest rate to lowest.

2. Call credit card companies and ask if there is away to reduce interest rate or special payment plan options.

3. Pay at least the minimum amount or amount on payment plan. Pay more on one card until it's paid off and then work on the next card.

4. Setup an envelope system. Label each envelope with the name of the bill (i.e. electric, visa, mortgage, groceries, entertainment). Place a check or cash in each envelope. When the money is gone, then it's gone! Any money leftover goes into savings.

5. Don't buy on credit! Save money and pay cash.

6. Set mini goals and long-term goals and review them each week to stay focused.

7. Don't trust myself, always put my trust in Jehovah and work in harmony with my prayers. 'treasuring up for ourselves a fine foundation for the future, in order that we may get a firm hold on the real life.'—1 Timothy 6:19.

8.  Value every cent/dollar. Remember money doesn't grow on trees. (Fill in the blank)How many minutes/hours do I/hubby have to work to pay for ____________ (soda, fast food, electronics, dress, etc).

9. Keep these scriptures in mind. Paul warns: "The love of money is a root of all sorts of injurious things, and by reaching out for this love some have been led astray from the faith and have stabbed themselves all over with many pains." -1 Timothy 6:10,  Paul explained in one of his letters: "I know indeed how to be low on provisions, I know indeed how to have an abundance. In everything and in all circumstances I have learned the secret of both how to be full and how to hunger, both how to have an abundance and how to suffer want." - Philippians 4:12 and Paul says: "Give orders to those who are rich in the present system of things not to be high-minded, and to rest their hope, not on uncertain riches, but on God, who furnishes us all things richly for our enjoyment." - 1 Timothy 6:17. Be content with what we have!

10. Share! 'Work at good, be rich in fine works, be liberal, ready to share.'—1 Timothy 6:18. If I am constantly getting myself into debt, how can I help others?

10 Guilty Pleasures....maybe I should keep them to myself..But...

1. Complete mind numbing TV. I really hate to admit this, but I do love it. I remember when I was little and was home alone, my mom would say "NO TV" until my chores were done. That TV was on the second I walked in from school, then mom convinced me that she knew when the TV had been on because it would be hot in the back (which I found out later she was LYING!) and so I would shut the TV off a good thirty minutes...well at least twenty minutes before she came home. I knew how much trouble I could get in...but frankly it was worth it to me...."Saved By The Bell", "The Flintstones", "Fraggle Rock". Well the past couple of years I have been trying to kick this guilty pleasure and gave up many of my adult favorites. You know them, all those reality talent shows,crime solving thriller and PBS Master Classics (not giving up PBS, by the way). Being a mom is much more fun!

2. Peanut butter! Yes folks I love my peanut butter. I never had it much until I was pregnant and I never ate apples much. I hated apples. Now peanut and apples are staples of the kitchen. When I was pregnant I couldn't get enough and I thought once I had the baby that craving would be over, WRONG!

3. OK, this one I usually don't tell anyone unless they really, really know me. I love Sir Mix-A-Lot, I Like Big Butts. Shhhh! Please don't tell anyone. Once I wanted went out with some sisters and we went to a CD store and I bought this. They put it into the CD player for about thirty seconds and took it out and handed it back to me. Everyone seemed to be staring at me like I had a third eye in my forehead and it seemed like the longest drive ever to go home. They never asked me to go out again. On the bright side, I still have the CD and when I want to dance, I dance! Oh and I think I know every word.

4. OK, it surprises me every time I bring up this movie and nobody has watch it. I am going on record as saying  Napoleon Dynamite IS THE BEST MOVIE EVER!. OK maybe that was dramatic, but that movie cracks me up from start to finish. I am sooo that girl who goes door-to-door selling bracelets and has a side business in her house. This movie always puts me in a great mood.

5. Accents.  Even when the guy is ugly or weird, if he has a British/English accent, I still find something attractive about them. Hugh Grant....need I say more. (But nothing beats my honeys voice and eye's!)

6. Watermelon and Star Fruit and not together. I could eat these food exclusively. One summer I ate watermelon and watermelon alone for like two months. Hubby thought I was never going to eat anything else again. I think he was worried I was going to stop cooking for him, haha!

7. Putting off chores. This is another one of those I am trying to overcome. It's not that I want to, it's just that I get so aggravated when one thing gets out of place that I just throw my hands up and then I obsess all day about it not getting done and when it gets done it is never good enough. I am a bit of a perfectionist.

8. I love to torture my husband. I am just downright mean. He hates snakes.  I will send him random pictures of snakes in striking poses, snakes hiding in toilets and videos of cobras playing with babies. I know I am cruel I just can't help it.

9. I could never live in a subdivision and I should always have blinds on my windows. I really hate clothes and shoes. If you knock on my door, give me a minute to get my affairs in order. LOL!

10. I am really, really cheap. My hubby said I am savvy. That is such a nice way to put it and so not true. I actually try to compete with my dad on bargains at the grocery store. I get it honest! We were arguing last night about who got the best deal on chicken! Yes arguing!!! Haha!

Scratches - The Day After

Disappointed and numb.
Burdened by pain or love,

which is it?

 

Confused,

Needles in my eye's,

blisters on my hands,

screams down the hall,

the baby is coming.

No comparison.

 

Its deeper.

It must be love,

but sadness floods me.

 

Did you fail to see me lose my breath?

Confused I erase you.

If only that was so easy.

Wind knocked out I lay here alone.

Is my heart still beating?

Then I remember I can make lemon drops.

What's the recipe?

Your unknown, don't judge me.

I am coping.

Scratches heal.

I'm out.

Letter To Molly

I knew you from the day we made you.

You are our hope and dreams.

Excited we waited to see you,

still waiting.

I hold your picture closely.

The painful day I was given the news,

no comfort could reach me.

That explained that cramp,

but I denied you were sleeping.

Death is the enemy.

I knew you only for a moment,

but I carry your love all my days.

Together soon we will be,

finally holding you in my arms,

knowing everything you are.

My womb you will be restored.

That is now my hope.

Together again in paradise.

Forever.

(She would be 6 years old, this September 2011)

My First Crush...by Lacey Shanks

I think it is very ironic that my first crush was a boy named Tommy and now I am married to a man named Tommy. If you are wondering it is not the same Tommy, haha! I honestly can't remember if it was kindergarten or first grade, but that crush lasted a very long time. How long? All the way to second grade. Tommy was the cutest boy in class and talked the most. He had spiky hair, slight dimples and tan skin. He was always talking about girls. I thought he was so dreamy. Although I didn't have a word for it then I remember my thoughts were that he was so mature for his age. He didn't bully anyone, he was kind to everyone and he liked to chase me on the playground and play teeter ball with me.

Just outside of my teenage years I went to visit my hometown and had to do a drive-by of the neighborhood I grew up in. Afterwards I wanted a few more nostalgic memories so we stopped at the 7-Eleven for a Big Gulp. Could you guess who I saw? Yep, Tommy my first crush standing less then five feet from me and he looked exactly like he did all those years ago accept taller. It's funny, how we change, a much older me was not at all attracted now to him. I was about to say, hello, but the words never came out of my mouth. I guess I was still in shock to see him and the fact that he looked exactly like he did in elementary school which amazed me. He quickly pulled off in a church bus and that was that.

Momma's Fear

The day I met you were so small.
The day I met you I held you close.
The days moved into weeks.
The weeks moved to months, all along holding you close.
You’re getting so big.
I only hope and pray the day will not come,
the day where I cannot hold you close.

While You We're Sleeping by Lacey Shanks

I lie in listening.
Watching your beats.
Up and down.
I come a little closer but never touching.
I dream and lie in awe.
I thank Jehovah, God for such a gift.

Unlikely Friendship

The night was luke warm.
New companions among me.
Felt uncomfortable and forced.
Night came rainy before long.
All was time to go.
Behind the wheel headed to the comfort of home.
Out charged a bear.
Companions screaming.
In Shock.
I began to un-bearably laugh.
One companion joined me.
While the other cried.
Jokes and laughter filled the car.
Three unlikely companions began a bond.
Friendship met them one unlikely night.

One Chance by Lacey Shanks

I saw you drive pass,
at a slow pace.
I know it was you.
Never stopping to hello.

You confused me,
left me dazed
and unknowing.

A simple yes
of affection you gave
and now your lips are closed,
how come?

You embraced me once,
but only once
never to hold me again.

Are you just shy?
Did I say something wrong?
Do you not like my dress?
Questions I ponder.

Chances loss,
glances in vein,
for you’re too late.

30 Things About Me!

1. I adore spending time with my family. My son is the light of my life and my hubby and mom and dad are my best friends.

2. I love  steam punk. Love Victorian era and love the fantasy and look of Alice and Wonderland.

3. Hubby and I  love 80's music. I love to dance although I probably shouldn't in public, but I DO!

4. I watch way too much TV and I am working on cutting back. HELP ME! I appreciated an experience at the assembly  where a brother said him and his family won't turn on TV or computer until they have done their Bible reading each day. I have recently been applying this and it's working!

5. I think I am a really good friend, but I don't have too many. I can come off really shy when you first get to know me, but I'm not really. At least I don't think so. I could really use some more close friends.

6. I love making jewelry. A matter fact I sell my jewelry designs and will soon be listing them on www.LaceyCharrene.etsy.com . Most of my designs are steam punk and where ever my imagination takes me. I love recreating vintage jewelry into something new, custom, and one-of-a-kind.

7. I love Victorian movies (watch PBS masterpiece classics). Sometimes wish I was born in a different time. sigh.

8. My favorite fruit is starfruit. Have you seen these at the stores in Georgia? When you can find them they will cost you between 2 - 6 bucks each and I could eat them all day long, ouch to my wallet. So my mom or hubby buy them as a treat once or twice a year for me when they can find them.

9. I used to pioneer and totally miss it. I hope to be a missionary someday!

10. I own a tanning and beauty salon. www.facebook.com/mytansalon or http://mytansalon.blogspot.com/
11. I love poetry and I love to write. I write a lot of poetry. I wrote a novel once. I had 19 chapters done and my computer crashed and I lost it all. I learned my lesson and I am working on another now. I have many short stories written and need to get them out there for someone to enjoy besides myself and my immediate family.

12. I am completely honest even if it means I have to hurt your feelings, but I will do my best to be gentle and if it's none of my business I will of course keep my trap shut unless you ask.

13. I would love to live on an island, on the beach,  in a tree house, with few or no neighbors too close by. Of course I hate hurricanes, tornadoes, floods, and Tsunami's. So maybe in the new system, no?

14. I drive my husband nuts locking doors. I am scared of the bad guys.

15. I would love to travel the world. I have always wanted to visit Ireland & Australia especially.

16. I hate scorpions.

17. I love to lay in the fresh cut grass and feel the sun on my face.

18. I don't understand why people can't go to the bathroom to release gas. COME ON!

19. I hate wearing shoes.

20. I like sour things.

21.  I hate doing laundry and dishes. Wesley seems to love it. I have found a new joy in teaching him these essential basics.

22. I prefer healthy eating. I do not understand why my waistline doesn't cooperate more with me.

23. I would love to live somewhere out west where my family and I didn't have allergies.

24. An ideal date would be a picnic on the front lawn and a glass of wine under the stars!

25. I would like to be more out spoken.  I think about what I am going to say too much and the moment to say it passes me by.

26. I wish I could stay home when it rains. I hate the rain. I can't stand to drive in the rain. I would rather watch a old movie curled up on the couch with my family under a big blanket and when they are asleep pull out a good book.

27. I think I complicate things. I am finding that things are much more simpler then I make them out to be.

28. I don't have a closet in my room. I am so glad because they scare me. Afraid someone is going to jump out of it at night when I am asleep.

29. I'm a little bit country, a little rock and roll, a little urban, a little punk, a little classic all rolled into one.

30. Why do people ask you questions like when are you going to get married? When are you going to have a baby? Now that I did those things it's when are you going to have another one? Does it EVER end. I am happy, let me be!

Who Do You Trust? by Lacey Shanks

Leaders standing tall,
making choices that cause others to fall.

Makes me feel ill,
do they not feel.

Broken they promise repair,
bullet wounds only compare.

Trust given to man,
undeserving is their hand.

Damage not yet done,
I have had enough.

My hope lye with the one like no other,
I'm putting my trust with another.

The Weekend by Lacey Shanks

The weekend is almost here.
The Monday through Friday Grind has met its defeat.
Time to kiss those you love.
Time to snuggle the kids (or pet).
The weekend is here, let us all celebrate!

Road Kill by Lacey Shanks

I think it's epic,
and so pathetic.
Everyone going their way,
never caring enough to say hey.
Hey you!
Don't you conceive the danger here,
don't you dare.
My back seat, my little one sleeps.
I lay on my horn, it beeps.
On your cell phone,
what gives you the right?
Can't you see the light?
It doesn't take Oprah to know what is right.
Before you take flight:
Use a Bluetooth, speaker phone, or nothing at all.
That's not a doll in my backseat.

Awaiting Your Return by Lacey Shanks

To defy they stand.
Hoping I didn't have a hand.

Raised in hope,
how are they to cope.

Given a gift,
so precious and rare,
have they cause to drift.

Celebrating their gross deeds.
Where will this all lead.

Sins disguised as freedom,
not in his kingdom.

Hurting the one above,
the one they loved.

I sit without judgment or tears.
Hoping never to project my fears.

Your safe return,
I pray,
I wait,
I hope.

Where has the zeal gone?

After the meeting last night we came home and the little one and hubby soon feel asleep. I on the other hand seemed to have an anxious excitement about me. Something I haven't felt in years. This excitement has been building for the past couple months and growing stronger and stronger. I haven't been exactly able to pin point it until this morning. Last night I was up thinking of new ways to help my hubby enhance our family worship night. The ideas kept flooding my mind, so I ended up getting up and writing down my ideas (which I highly recommend doing, if you have trouble going to sleep).

This morning, very tired from being up so late, I begin to wonder why I was so excited. I realized exactly what it was, zeal. Our family and I have really turned a new leaf the last few months focusing on our relationship with Jehovah. We have always loved Jehovah, but now looking back for me personally I realized that after stepping down as a fulltime publisher of the goodnews I have allowed Saten to use my guilt and disappointment to hender me from doing my best.  This shame I developed for myself choked out the zeal I once had for the kingdom message. For years I have felt like I was fighting a battle to hold onto my relationship to God and perhaps I have. But in my then thinking I was thinking I was the problem, that I wasn't good enough and I wasn't doing enough. I often wondered why did Jehovah keep me around. Just thinking about that strengthened my resolve to keep pleasing him because I knew if he didn't want me he would not draw me to him.

I have always felt drawn the Jehovah and the truth about the good news. I always felt I have had a special relationship with my creator ever since I was small. I seem some of these same traits in my young son. He loves The My Book of Bible Stories and The Evolution book just like I did when I was his age. He loves the ministry as I did. I was a pioneer baby going in service with my Aunt and sitting in the backseat of her 1970's blue four door car with the fold out windows and no air conditioning, those were fun times in my youth that brought me to the realization of the bigger picture. I realized I want to serve the true God, Jehovah and wanted him to use me to help others.  I had big dreams of someday being a missionary. Funny thing, I have had many dreams come and go over the years, but one has always remained, I want to be a missionary.

Sometimes I think, I think too much. Do you ever do that? Let me explain. I remember when I was nine years old a kind sister told me that I was have to be married to be a missionary and go to Gilead school.  I was so disappointed to hear this. I had no desire to ever marry. All I ever wanted to do was focus on my dedication to Jehovah and pursue his service. I knew many married people, they had love and zeal for the truth, but had so many distractions, so I never wanted to marry. Disheartened by this blow I continued on zealously.

Back on point, recently I read in the Kingdom Ministry that a family with children went into the missionary service without going to Gilead and have been successful. What I thought was a lost dream has been restored. I can see my family in the full time service helping the anointed to fulfill their commission at Matthew 24:14: "And this good news of the kingdom will be preached in all the inhabited earth for a witness to all the nations; and then the end will come."  More importantly I now know that I am doing all I came now to serve Jehovah and I know this pleases him very much and this keep me zealous!

Thinking about Private (Home) School....

My little one is just about to turn three.  As a family we have always discussed this with the growing problems in this system of things. Growing up Tommy and I both came from school backgrounds that were not always positive. I remember drugs, gang violence, weopons, bullying and sexual activity among my peers being the everyday happenings of my "education".  My mom viewed it as "my personal territory" and a place to become "social" and learn about "society". I appreciate her attempt in giving me this growth. I cannot disagree with her. I believe that my experiences in the public school system had a lot to do with shaping my view of the world and realizing I want to be "no part of the world". What I saw was more then I ever wish my child(ren) to ever see.  The kicker is that things are worse.  My mom calling it my territory...well I consider it now more then ever a battle ground. You wouldn't delibertely place your child in front of a bullet would you? Well that is where deep thought comes to this issue. Is public school a danger to my child's well being?

The other point we have discussed is the declining quality of education. Seems like everyday there is reports of schools not meeting standards or teachers/staff cheating on students test. I appreciate our "good" teachers. What they do and deal with is amazing with little finacial reward.  Also growing up my husband and I both found things in our curriculm that was presented as fact when we knew well that this was not fact, but theory.

Another thing that my husband and I faced as children and teens was the overwhelming amount of homework. Often, I remember doing homework from the time I left school until early hours of the morning and then rising early to complete it and feeling tired at school all day. Why isn't school work and personal research enough? We were often under extreme pressure to succeed by our instructors.

We have been considering a school that is listed as a "private religious school" and are doing our research and praying over this matter. We are wanting to make sure anything we choose will be the best benefit of our child(ren). We want to make sure it's accrediated and there is a curriculm that will challenge our child to learn, yet provide him with the flexibility to grow. We don't want to take our decision lightly and refer to Proverbs 22:3: "Shrewd is the one that has seen the calamity and proceeds to conceal himself,” states a wise proverb.